Sometimes I wonder how things got so twisted and messed up.
I mean everything happens for a reason right?
I guess I can only hope for that.
Cause there's times I catch myself wishing for things I dont have any business wanting.
Worst part is that I know it's not anything I can have no matter what I do.
No matter how sweet i talk, no matter how hard i work, I can't make this one go away.
or come back.

Is it so easy for you? I pretend so well.
heh maybe that's my problem.
I can act like it doesn't,
which only mean it does.

I'm slightly bitter. I don't like that.
I look back at who i was 2 years ago and it's amazing the innocence i lost in just that short of time.
Not by being rebellious but just...the sweetness.
I lost a lot when I lost you.

I get so angry sometimes. For all that you did to me.
I hate you for making me question myself at all. For questioning my worth.
For making me want you to love me so that it blinded me. 
And you walked away.
I gave you my heart, laid it in your hands..and you dropped it and walked away.
And i can't hate you for that no matter how hard I try.

Damn you.

I don't think it's as easy for you though.
I think that deep down you have yet to feel what you felt for me.

I hope so.

I guess the sick part of me wants you to hurt how I hurt.
and the sensible part of me knows that you won't.
you couldn't.

No matter the pain you brought, i'm better from it now.
It still hurts but not that you couldn't love me.
It just hurts to have lost my best friend
so quickly and so easily
and so effortlessly.
It's not a lie to say i lost a lot when i lost you.

And I hope you did too.

when the fire's burned out in me...

For the most part I'm happy.
God, He's really blessed me...

But i have my nights. A lot less frequent as I used to.
Just those nights where I get sad about how things ended up.

There's a lot of pressure right now.
I'm down to being nearly broke and so proud of the fact that i'm about to have my own apartment because of it. It's so beautiful, I can already tell. And it's mine.
But having no money leaves you stressed. I start my new job wednesday and had to buy part of my uniform.
Dad got irritated he had to help...which hurt but oh well.
I'm finally getting where I need to be.

There's still the pressure...
Cody and Shane both are certain I'm supposed to date them.
I don't want to.
Not them...I don't want that.
It'd be so easy to but it's not what I want.
I finally have a crush though. =]

And in the midst of all this i come back to where i always started.
Sad isn't it? Maybe a little. But I'm coming to terms with that being ok now and then.
I blame it on being tired, which is very true and partially the reason.
But part of it is cause it's just human to miss what makes you feel most comfortable.
Sometimes I miss him a lot.
Like on the days when I do something i'm so proud of and want to share it with him.
or something really stupid that I know he'd laugh at me for.
I don't miss the relationship. Despite my initial fears, I don't.
I don't miss the false sense of love I got from him...cause I know now that I wasn't always sure it was there.
I miss him.
I miss my best friend. I miss his love in general.
I'm doing great on my own. I'm happy.
But i'm entitled to be sad to lose that..to get upset over that.

Sometimes I hate myself for having too much pride when it comes to him.
But then I remind myself that that's the only way I can respect myself..
He broke me...broke me down so badly, I had no respect left for myself.

I know it all happens for a reason and I'm beyond amazed at how amazing God can be.
I saw it the night at on campus when it was beyond words how beautiful it was outside.
and the night I walked to dairy queen to meet ben and it looked like a storm.
and, let poetic justic reign, it did.
I'm constantly reminded of how lucky I am to be alive and how beautiful life is.

So in the end lets just say thanks..

thank you to the one who created me...the one who makes it ok to cry over things I brought on myself and who in the end makes them all worth it. as I once heard, He'll never put you through any tough time in which he will not use for good.

thank you to all the poeple who will never read this but who have made my life worth every day. I love you all.

thank you to the one who broke me...you made me strong. and you showed me what it is to love someone completely. at least from my point of view. you'll always have a little of me. that'll never change.

thank you to karma.

ha.

A letter he'll never read

Dear Danny,

                It’s only been a day since I talked to you and already I miss you…would you believe me if I said that I wish thing were different? Your response to that will be that I chose to break up with you, therefore, obviously this is what I want.  It’s not though…in fact it’s the last thing I wanted.  I wanted to be with you..I wanted to prove to everyone who didn’t believe we could do it that they were wrong…that love was enough for us to survive anything thrown our way. I wanted to spend my days with you…but there’s a reason that we’re here.  I don’t doubt you wanted to be with me…but the reason behind it I’m not sure about.  I love you danny, so much.  And I’ve been there despite your mood, despite your decision to move on the first time…I’ve been there through it all. And I guess part of me just couldn’t deal with being there again…not when I don’t feel I deserved to be treated that way.  Part of me knew that I wasn’t strong enough to walk away…otherwise I wouldn’t miss you.  But I had to do something to help myself…I had to put my happiness first this time.  And God knows I was happy with you…but not the past week.  This past week was miserable…and the worse part?  You didn’t even seem to care.   The guy I took back isn’t the guy I broke up with…at all.  The guy I took back was sweet and loving and excited for everything we’d get to be…he loved kids and loved his friends and family and most of all, he loved me.  He cried at  the thought of losing me, he was determined to show me he couldn’t live without me. He wanted to make my day and make me happy. The guy I broke up with was only a fraction of what I’d taken back…he was cold and mean and unloving.  It wasn’t cause you were sick…cause for those two days I tried to leave you alone.  But even when I was checking to make sure you were ok you were cold and uncaring about the fact that I was worried.  The loving guy I’d happily taken back against everyone’s wishes listened to me cry on the other end of the line, so upset to be doing what I was, and coldly sat there…not one word of love or fight…not one ounce of any fighting to keep me in your life. .when I feel like I’ve fought so long and hard to keep you in mine…

                I needed to type out my reasoning for doing what I did.. cause sometimes it still doesn’t make sense to me.  How can you love someone so much, yet chose not to be with them…and every time I think about it it’s a trial as to if I did the right thing…and right now I know I did…I know that when it came down to it, you weren’t happy this last week. I wasn’t what you wanted.  And that hurt and made me unhappy…you’ve always been what I wanted.  But I wouldn’t want you any other way than fully commited to me and happy…so I did what I thought would hurt most…but what would make you happy and in the end me too.  I don’t want it this way…but until(or if) I’m everything you want, then I can’t pretend to be happy with only part of you.  My heart just can’t take it anymore…the cold days and the times when you didn’t really want me there…I can feel them, even if you didn’t say it.

                                I’m always going to love you…and maybe one day along the line, when no girl gets you like I do…when no girl loves you the way I do…you’ll see that maybe I’m more than what you want.  Maybe you’ll need me the way I needed you too.  And maybe you’ll be able to prove that love is enough for you…that being with me is important to you.  Maybe.  I love you danny.

between the lines

The truth sucks